Friday, February 24, 2012

Betrayal (Show, Don't Tell)

Prompt: Write a passage in the first person past tense, a memory,
in which your central character reveals that another character was
an enemy, or at the very least, provoked a strong negative reaction.
Do not, however, tell us that this is what the character thinks.
Reveal the antagonism through action, dialogue or precise
description. Leave room for the reader to interpret what the narrator thinks about this character. Don't tell us. Show us.
__________________________________________________________________

Rain had poured heavily that day, as it sometimes does in the small
wet town west of the Rocky Mountains. I remember that storm well.
In the downpour, I sat, knelt in the mud, looking down between my
arms at the mix of moss, grass and dirt under me, staining the jeans
I had worn. I didn't look up at the man standing in front of me, who
would usually be taller then me anyway when we stood shoulder to
shoulder. The other male had light blond hair, older then me by
countless years, though he looked no different from ten years ago,
he aged well. I looked slowly up at him. The blond had blood
splattered over his body, a crazy pattern to sickening and to crazy
to follow any sort of pattern. I finally let my black eyes meet his
familiar hazel ones, I didn't break eye contact, didn't once glance
down at the body that lay behind him. I knew the sight well enough.
Hazel eyes that would seem frozen forever in shock staring back at
him, short curly dark brown hair messed and covered in mud, lined
more with silver because of all the long years of working and stress,
and taller then either of us who were living at that moment.

Other then that, we could have been duplicates, that dead man and I.
I flinched away when I realized I had looked, back up to the blond's
eyes as lightning flashed rapidly, knowing that my tears showed as
the cloudy sky was lit up by the dancing energy. It was also probably
more clear to see then it normally would be through the dirt and finally
I opened my mouth, voice smaller then usual as I asked, loud enough
to be heard, "Brother, why?"

2 comments:

  1. Wow... This is exceptionally descriptive... And dark. I want to read the next page!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Very dramatic, it pulled me in to read more... Excellent description, and vivid painted picture. Truly wonderful to read!

    ReplyDelete